Two days ago I realized I had a serious problem.
We're throwing a party for Alex's 2nd birthday on Saturday. We've got family and friends coming over, which is all (fortunately) happening after United play Chelsea in the morning in what could be the match that decides the Premiership title.
Except it's Passover.
That means, dear Reader, that all the yummy adult beverages of which I would ordinarily partake the entire day are trayfe. Verboten. No dice.
There has to be a way around this, says I. One that doesn't involve drinking multiple bottles of Manischewitz.
So I did what any determined, technologically-inclined beer-loving Jew would do. I started Googling for kosher for Passover alcoholic beverages. Now to be fair this isn't the first time I've contemplated this issue. I've been aware for some time of vodka made not from forbidden grains, but from potatoes. This seemed like the right place to start. I first found this extremely handy list of generally kosher booze on the Chicago Rabbinical Council's website. It didn't speak to specifics about Passover though. After some more digging I found this kosher blog (meaning "a blog about keeping kosher", as opposed to "a blog that had been certified by a Rabbi as being ok to read") that was right on target: potato vodka was going to be my salvation, even if it did have something-something-amylase-something-whatever (see comment 37). Fortunately for me, the recent craze for super-premium vodkas means that one of these lovely nectars, the smooth and sumptuous Polish creation, Chopin, was available at my local state store. Admittedly it doesn't have a hechsher on it, but the people who make it felt it was important enough to note plainly on the label that it's made exclusively from potatoes, and that's good enough for me.
That got me thinking. I mean, if I weren't merely looking for any port in this week-long grain-free storm to drink, and I were a bit more vigilant, I would have really had my hands full. There is a lot to keep track of. The Laws of Kashrut in ancient times were probably pretty easy to follow. You pretty much ate what was in your backyard or your neighbor's backyard. You didn't have to worry about genetic modification, or sorbitol, or high fructose corn syrup or any of the thousands of things that are now readily available in our global society. This single page is a veritable rabbit hole to stacks upon stacks of information. For instance, did you know that Play-Doh might contain chametz and therefore it is not kosher for Passover? (Presumably it's ok to eat for the rest of the year!)
Then I came across the controversy over kitniyos. Kitniyos are, in broad terms, legumes, which still doesn't help because I have no idea what a legume is. The whole issue turns around whether things like rice, beans, lentils, corn, and even certain seeds like fennel and cumin are kosher. While these foods are definitely not prohibited grains, they've come to be proscribed during Passover because they used to be grown near grains or perhaps used with grains and the Rabbis thought that people would get confused. So they banned the whole lot. Ashkenazic Jews (from Eastern Europe and Russia) say no. Sephardic Jews (those from the Middle East and Orient) say they're ok. (I decided I was on the Separdic side of this equation about 6 years ago when I found myself in a sushi restaurant during Passover.) At any rate, this is no small quibble . There are hard-core factions in this dispute. On one hand you have those who believe the proscription is now basically moot in modern times. On the other, you have the (I shit you not) Kitniyos Defense League who are adamantly defending the custom. It's gripping reading.
I probably spent two hours looking through these lists and reading about the Laws of Kashrut. Then it hit me.
NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY JEWS ALWAYS ARGUE!
It's because we're all a bunch of PEDANTS! In fact, we're encouraged to be this way!
Where else could you study dietary laws for years and still not fully grasp them? We have a mere Five Books in our primary sacred text that was written thousands of years ago, yet people are STILL interpreting them! There are 613 mitzvot, or "good deeds." This is the mother lode! Imagine the following conversation at your next party:
Tevye: No, I'm telling you. The requirement for the Koheyn to brush his hair before entering the Sanctuary is number 445. Yossi: Dude. You're wrong. Hair brushing is number 444. Torn clothing is 445.
Tevye: NO! I'M CERTAIN OF IT! Hair brushing is 445!
Yossi: Listen, it's been a long night and you've had two bottles of Slivovitz already. We'll check in the morning. Let's get going.Tevye: You're just trying to change the subject. You know I'm right.
It all makes sense. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go fix myself a drink.
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